Eat carrots for a stiffer sausage
It only takes a minute girl? Not if you're vegan
According to a new Netflix documentary about eating a plant-based diet, men who cut meat from their menus and instead only eat vegetables can expect to keep a sausage of Bratwurst proportions between their legs.
The research, overseen by the America Urological Association, as part of the documentary called The Game Changers discovered that athletes who ate veg instead of meat experienced erections while sleeping that had lasted between 303% and 477% longer than after eating meat. The firmness had also increased by between 8.8% and 13.5% -- whatever that means.
The measuring was done by a device strapped to the athletes while they slept — not a real person as I had originally pondered.
It all sounds most interesting, though as one member of the public commented, “Perhaps the nocturnal firmness happened whilst they dreamt of a roast dinner?”
The root of the issue that the study (and documentary) is trying to challenge is the idea that, in order to be a real man, you have to ideally eat red, cold, still breathing meat.
It’s an old opinion that probably developed based on cave-men consuming woolly Mammoths and in the present day is subtly reinforced by lad culture and parents forcing their sons to eat their bitter greens.
I haven’t done the research, but I reckon most men are preconditioned this way to see eating vegetables as a chore, meat as strength, and probably why most vegan food on offer currently resembles much tastier and recognisable meat dishes— veggie sausages, bean burgers and beet wellington come to mind.
However, rather than try to contend with meat, the documentary — which was first released last year — plans to highlight how vegetarian diets have been popular throughout the ages, such as with Gladiators who allegedly did not eat meat.
This may work well to persuade many carnivorous men, of which I’m sure many are subscribed to Netflix, that eating a plant-based diet is acceptable and cool. Particularly if athlete icons such as Lewis Hamilton and The Terminator (Arnie Schwarzenegger) feature.
But, trying to persuade us that eating more carrots will mean we last longer in bed is possibly the most amusing argument I’ve heard — aren’t facts like this reserved for the sidebar on PornHub?
In my view, most people will start eating vegan food when it’s tasty, not because they are peer-pressured into it, and certainly not because you might get a ‘firmer’ sausage — also have you not heard of viagra?
Making and selling food (which is vegan) that people want to eat will be how the community can persuade ardent cow-chewers to switch. This means the avocado worshippers will have to, for at least a few more decades, appreciate the fact that most of the world will continue to eat meat until they come up with some genuinely tasty substitutes.
Anyhow, suggestions on the best vegan alternatives welcome. Meanwhile, I have another bag of carrots to eat.