Eat meat for veganism
Enough of vegan this and vegan that - we are ignoring the bigger picture
Come close and listen carefully: I have a secret to share. A painful truth for your ears…. Nobody cares about your New Years resolution. Nobody. Not your partner, your mum, or even your therapist.
In the same way that no one has ever given two hoots about someone else’s weird dream, the fact you’re going to be giving up drinking for 31 days means about as much to us as employment laws did to Stalin.
The problem is, this year, it seems rather than laying off the white wine spritzers, the people of Earth are this January all giving up the same thing: meat.
I know this is true because, the other day, I had a message from the editor of FoodTribe saying ‘Eat carrots for a stiffer sausage’ (a vegan article I previously wrote) would be showcased on the homepage for American users. And since then, whenever I open up FoodTribe, my eyes are blitzed with articles like “5 of the best vegan restaurants in London” and “Veganuary has reached the ski slopes” all spliced between endless news stories about Nandos, Greggs and KFC introducing yummy veggie substitutes to their staple carcass cookery. And this is interesting.
While I have nothing against veganism, and I believe the idea more and more people think they can drop other animals from their diets is something to be celebrated, I cannot escape the fact that meat is very tasty. And I know a lot of other people do too.
Therefore, how can we move people like me — a quiet majority — to a better diet which helps the environment and saves cute daisy cows from meat grinders without a huge row? It is simple: 51% of us need to keep eating meat.
I know it might not make sense, but there’s logic to my thinking…
Let’s imagine everyone on earth is sat around a very big table. Where once we all ate meat, and the conversation at dinner was calm and fun, now the number of people who don’t eat meat at this table has increased. This has resulted in many disagreements over what food is served, and the argument to persuade friends across the table continues to grow hugely. Not only is this very time-consuming, but is likely to continue endlessly because many folk are dead set in their ways or simply can't afford the luxury of only feeding their children quinoa salad.
However! What if, rather than arguing around this bloodstained table, there was a new alternative table we could all move to? A table of luscious oak proportions where all needs and desires are satisfied (and affordable)? This is what we should aim towards, and I think we can get there by following the story of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
By this I mean, we need a Flint Lockwood Diatonic Super Mutating Dynamic Food Replicator. Or, in the real world, to support laboratory-grown meat.
The current obstacle is, nobody has found a way to scale up the process of making ‘cultured meat’ — as it’s officially called — for common use. However, the growing number of start-ups in this area trying gives me hope. And I will take my hat off to the successor, because not only will that idea be worth billions but it may just tip the whole world behind veganism overnight.
And that is why this month, while every other foodie seems to be celebrating avo and pea sandwiches, I will be eating more burgers. Because, unless we keep the pressure on the inventors in white coats for an alternative, we might end up slipping into the year 3000 with nothing to chomp on but carrots and leaves.