Giant tomato returns after years of mystery
The tomato of enormous proportions disappeared from a Canadian restaurant, never to be seen again. Until now
In a tale worthy of a gritty Hollywood blockbuster, a major conspiracy has spread like wildfire through the tomato community.
On a cool spring day in 2016, one man was about to have his life torn apart by a crime so horrific that it would make Jack the Ripper look like a ballerina. It was the day of the great tomato heist – and life, for so many, has never been the same since.
The guy in question was restaurant owner Matt Kraft, who, one year previously, had bravely salvaged a five-foot-wide decorative tomato and its larger companion from the clutches of an evil corporation (unknown, but presumably led by some demonic master – like Thanos from Avengers: Endgame). He then plopped it down outside his business in Ontario, Canada.
Named “Little Brother”, the tomato was found to be missing one morning – without even a trail of red juice to follow.
Kraft took the disaster incredibly seriously, launching a massive press campaign with, er, local paper the Peterborough Examiner, and announcing a hefty reward for information: a free dinner at his restaurant. Anyone who asked for pizza would get barred for life.
After years of tortuous waiting, Kraft recently received the phone call of his dreams: Little Brother, “pampered” and “loved by many” had been found. Pope Francis himself has wished the two of them the very ripest of futures – so long as nothing too saucy takes place, obviously.
Despite no offender having been brought to justice for the heinous scandal, if a movie company was to commission a film (why wouldn’t it?) it should have no difficulty casting Liam Neeson as Matt Kraft and probably Vin Diesel as the tomato.
But, for now, the citizens of Ontario can all join the vine of joy and blush at the thought that their province has an honourable, deep-rooted respect for the humble tomato.