G​overnment watchdog finds ketchup everywhere

B​ritain's Office of Middle-Class Guidance (OMG) has published a damning report suggesting that ordinary British people are struggling to observe even their most basic advice during these extraordinary times in the community.

J​ust this morning, a group of OMG officers in Volvos with 'very bright' children swooped unannounced on the Ritz Restaurant, Hammersmith, to find diners squirting ketchup from squeezy plastic bottles all over their chips, instead of dispensing a neat blob from a glass bottle on the side of the plate before putting the ketchup ('tomato sauce') away, in a cupboard, after wiping the top.

'​We realise these are extraordinary times in the community,' said someone probably called Charlote, 'And we accept that concessions have to be made. But tomato sauce must be distanced from chips except when actually being eaten. The rules are very clear and squirting so-called tommy ketchup straight onto chips is simply not following the science.'

A man almost certainly called Peter from one other household added, 'The bottle was left on the table. And it was a plastic one. It's a small step from this to ketchup dispensers shaped like actual tomatoes with a crust forming around the nozzle. I shudder.'

T​he proprietor of the Ritz was unrepentant. 'Can you still get those tomato-shaped things?' he said. 'They would be brilliant. Imagine the comedy fart noise one of those would make when almost empty. Hilarious. I haven't heard that noise since my own mother banned the plastic ketchup bottle after attending middle-class parent evening classes.'

T​he OMG were unavailable for further comment. Peter was helping his son's school organise a sponsored walk to raise funds for an outdoor production of A Midsummer Night's Dream in the local park, and Charlotte was investigating reports that a middle-aged man in the Ritz had asked if he could use the 'toilet'.