Mass chaos as Marmite shortage rocks Britain
Widespread panic buying has been reported literally nowhere.
In the current climate of continuous fear and danger we should all have become well accustomed to seismic shocks that severely change the very existence of our lives.
However, this level of extreme paranoia does not mean that such alterations come without surprise. As if being stalked by a killer virus wasn’t bad enough, now an even larger crisis has unfolded: a shortage of Marmite.
Naturally, like absolutely everything at the moment, one ruthless villain is responsible: COVID-19. It is not the case that the hated coronavirus has developed a ravenous hunger for the controversial spread, but its forcible closure of Britain’s best loved establishment – the local pub – has caused a nationwide shortage of yeast.
This is because of the simple reason that the shutting of pubs has created a fall in demand for freshly brewed beer, which has then led to breweries switching off their machines. As one of the crucial ingredients of Marmite is brewer’s yeast, the stoppage in supply has resulted in a widespread lack.
In order to try and contain its emergency reserves as much as possible, Marmite has made the bold decision to halt selling large jars of its breakfast filling, leaving only the tiny 250g option available. Clearly, this has had a devastating impact on its billions of fans.
Unilever – the owner of Marmite – has reassured fans that the problem should be rectified in around a month’s time, so you don’t need to start conjuring up your homemade alternatives just yet (although you’ve got to get those TikTok views somehow, I suppose). Of course, a simple solution for desperate Marmite addicts would be to stock up on loads of little jars to feed their fetish, but it would be irresponsible of me to suggest such a scheme so I’ll keep quiet.