I want to say something. Something I’ve kept quiet about for most of my adult life. Something I’ve been worried how people will react to. News that may well make me an outcast of society. An admission that will almost certainly lead to ridicule and bullying. But I’m not ashamed anymore, so here goes… I like Coldplay.

Yes, I know I’m meant to hate them because I’m a sexually active adult male, but I can’t help it. When I hear Coldplay come on the radio, I think ‘finally, some good bloody music!’ — and I bet I’m not alone. 

Obviously, up until today, I have never made these views public. Normally, if I hear Coldplay playing, I churlishly laugh with fellow citizens at the stupidity of a band so beige it probably deserves its own music genre for risk of damaging all the others — not anymore! I’m out and proud.

However, since I’ve begun admitting to people I like Coldplay, I’ve started wondering what other things we all pretend to hate which we actually love, and I reckon when it comes to food, most of us (especially in the middle classes) increasingly have Coldplay Denial Syndrome.

What is Coldplay Denial Syndrome?

You see, with the rise of the internet, the vast majority of us are unwittingly being sucked up into viewing a stratosphere of healthy eating blogs, perfectly crafted pics of food on Instagram, and pretentious friends dripping poison in our ears about the benefits of scrambled avocado and cockroach milk.

What this means is many of us feel repressed, following foodporn accounts on social media, and less able to admit to liking what we actually eat for fear of breaking the norm. Only in rare (often drunk) occasions do we finally muster the coverage to admit that a KFC bucket is delicious. Whereas, at every other moment, we prattle on about how we cook our chicken legs and scorn all those who like McDonald's.

Well, I think it’s high time we put a stop to this and embraced our inner Coldplay. I love Mcdonald's, Spam and Viennetta. I think Monster Munch is a feat of humankind. Chips lathered in beans and cheese is the solution to all woes. I find the presence of gravy in any part of my life arousing, and I will not hide away from it anymore!

Yes, if you just ate all the things I’ve listed above, you will very quickly become a member of Fatsville Tennessee, but that’s not the point. They are items I enjoy which often I won’t admit to consuming because, in certain social circles, it’s not acceptable - certainly around the dinner tables of metropolitan London.  But in future, I’m going to.

By all means, we can continue to masquerade as foodies, cooking Ottolenghi recipes, forcing down bitter sourdough and tongue pate, talking about our favourite meat cuts, posting our pristine food life on Instagram, but we all know what we really want to eat and talk about is food of Coldplay status. And if anywhere was going to break the world’s huge food pretension, maybe FoodTribe can do it.

Tell me your foodie confessions in the comments.

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