Pineapple on pizza should be illegal – my opinions on 5 controversial foods
In today's article, I needlessly explain my opinions on 5 of the world's most controversial foods
What are your thoughts on prawn cocktail flavour crisps? Do you like pineapple on pizza? What about porridge? Doubtless you've been asked at least one of these questions before. The answer is ultimately down to you and your opinion, but considering that I am a dictatorial twat, in this article I attempt to force my opinion down your throat. Enjoy!
It's been long maintained by pretty much everyone since the beginning of the Phanerozoic Eon that you either love or hate this... thing. There is no in between, only a deep, deep negative or positive passion aimed directly at it.
You see though, I don't really think that's true. Whilst I am only just a human so the rule may not apply to me, I'm not reallly on either side of the battlefield here. Marmite is enjoyable enough in small amounts, but I'd much rather some sweeter spreadable thingy on my toast like jam or honey. It's too sour to have in truckloads, but savoury enough so that I can relish it over 1 or two slices of toast.
Pineapple on Pizza
This debate has been an ongoing debate for an undisclosed but probably very big number of years. There is one side who thinks that all traces of it's existence need to be put in some vibranium room with an atomic bomb then buried somewhere around the centre of the Earth's core alongside anyone who opposes said view, and another group of people who want to behead all the anti-pineapple-on-pizza-ists with a blunt axe. There is no middle ground. It is very much the marmite of food, even though that makes no sense because I neither love nor hate marmite but hey, I'm weird.
But before I somehow digress into arguing with myself about whether the 4 stroke internal combustion engine sounds better than a two stroke one, back the talking point itself. In short, pineapple on pizza has as sincere a view in my eyes as an electrified Toyota 2000GT. If you don't know what that means, it mean I am most certainly in the first aforementioned camp. Sweet and savoury is nice, but only with one having significantly more than the other. I'll dash a sprinkle of salt in a brownie for example, but only alongside 250 grams of sugar. This is just imbecilic. Not only is the balance of sweet and savoury unbalanced, but there is a succulent and juicy thing alongside a dry kind of crusty food. It just doesn't work.
Prawn Cocktail Crisps
This is another big one. This particular flavour of overly thinly sliced potato genuinely are loved or hated, unlike the marketing fad that is marmite, by all of the general public. You simply can't be neutral on this topic.
Firstly, they're called crisps, not chips. We made the language (sort of), so you should obey its hypocritical but in some way existent laws. Now I've got that out of the way, back to my overly judgy judging of extremely judgable food. This one sucks. The fact that I'm used to having drier foods with a far more savoury flavour has a lot to do with this, and the fact that I hate pink as a colour perhaps even more than I hate the Tesla Model Y (trust me I hate that thing) and as it almost always features on the packets of the wretched things, that too.
This one is less renowned for its incredibly divisive properties, but has caused a futile debate where no one accepts the other's opinion on many occasions.
I have a few issues with porridge. Chief among which being that I literally threw up the last time I ate it, and whilst that was 8 years ago, I've still not gotten over it. Another being that it resembles cat sick. But moving on from reversed excretion, it isn't all bad. I'm very much aware of all the health benefits it brings, and mix in a little sugar with the otherwise bland mushy oats and the flavour is delicious. The only thing that I really have beef with is probably the texture. It just feels... wrong.
These things are scary, not gonna lie. They have big long squishy tentacles adorned with crater like bump hole thingys. Then they have heads in a similar shape to megamind. That aside, there is lots of scientific evidence that suggests that they are intelligent and sentient beings, meaning they feel lots of pain emotionally as well as physically when caught, which puts many off eating them. However, I am a rabid but picky food addict so I can ignore that.
My experience of octopus is very limited, but here's my opinions on it. It was quite weird in texture in my opinion, but tasted excellent. I could definitely see why some people might not like it for more reasons besides ethics though. It was quite an abnormal texture, and extremely light. Overall though, not too shabby.