- Sainsbury's red velvet cupcake

I’ve never eaten red carpet, but I’ve always imagined that it would taste of the luxury and splendour that it projects.

Or just Jeremy Clarkson’s sweat. One or the other, but either will do.

I think I’d have to draw the line at the faded, pink-ish floor coverings that used to disintegrate throughout my old high school, however. I don’t think my stomach could handle so much chewing gum. Or adolescent experiments…

Hopefully, it won’t taste like Sainsbury’s interpretation of red velvet softness, which (found on the outer reaches of a Sainsbury’s store’s bakery section) portrayed a racy redness but impacted a dry, mildly buttery sponge.

A massive dollop of vanilla coloured and flavoured icing swirled on top certainly brought the cake out of the doldrums of inedibility and pretty much cancelled out the pathetic sponge. But I suppose that mere splodges of icing are difficult to market – even if they are specked with tiny, red, crunchy, irritating things (like an eight-year-old who’s gone crazy with the hundreds and thousands at an ice cream van).

You may say that for one pound I can’t complain. But I can; and I do. Next time I’ll invest my money more wisely in something luxurious and pleasuring, such as half a packet of fish fingers or a thimble-full of overly priced bottled water.

Whichever Sainsbury’s baker created that red velvet cupcake should have a suitably red face. I give it a rating of two stars out of five.

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