Seasons Greetings from the Most American place in America!
Enjoying our glad tidings in the Only Place for Everyone
It's the most wonderful time...of the year! They'll be much mistletoe-ing. Many of us here at the Tribes will be uniting with family and friends, toasting the joyous tidings the year of our Lord 2019 have brought us. Of course, we all will be sharing a wondrous, peaceful meal with our loved ones.
It will also be that way for your humble Upper Midwestern food correspondent. For I too shall be enjoying a joyous feast in the finest food establishment in America:
Uh, Slim? You needed to microwave that beef 30 seconds longer
That's right! My family has splintered off into five disparate directions, and due to a very very specific set of circumstances, it is logistically impossible for us to be together at all this year. So since nobody will complain, I will enjoy our Christmas holiday dinner in the most joyous place in America. The Golden Corral!! Before you scoff, feast your eyes, pun intended, at this Holiday menu:
You've read that correctly: All this PLUS the whole buffet!
Who wouldn't love a carved roast turkey, a ham, AND a prime rib? They didn't manage to get the name of their cubed bread casserole correct, but they scrambled to make it up to me by providing my precious cranberry sauce. And peppermint cake! And, if all of that blessed sustenance is not enough? I can then help myself to the rest of the entire standard GC AYCE buffet! Coffee cake! Pizza! Egg foo yung! All of the above if we arrive after 4PM. Jingle Bells Indeed!!
I could not possibly make all of the above myself for the 40 bucks (bottomless soft drinks included) it will cost the two of us at the Corral. The cleanup alone boggles my mind. No way all of those pans fit in our dishwasher, and it would take nearly a whole bottle of Dawn to whisk all of that grease away by hand. Think of the hand wrinkles? And, since it is America, we will bow our heads in prayer to the Baby Jesus before raising the first fork to all this bounteous goodness, and nobody will look at us crosswise. Because they'll all be saying Grace, too. After they lay their concealed weapons on the table first, however.
Because I have a six-server cluster at my disposal, I attempted to calculate the number of calories provided by just the stated holiday fare above. While I wait for my Excel spreadsheet to finish evaluating the complex differential equations needed to sum an array of this magnitude, may I take the opportunity for those lucky souls whose Holiday starts at the end of today to (sincerely) wish you a Happy Christmas in the UK, a Merry Christmas here in 'Murrica, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël. Peace be with you. Chew your food thoroughly before swallowing. May God bless you all.