- C​hips are not to be taken lightly, or at all, in fact

S​ecurity camera captures theft of chip by woman who “didn’t want any”

5​0 per cent of population damned in two-second clip

1y ago

L​eading men’s support groups have responded angrily to footage of a chip being pilfered from a chap’s breakfast.

I​n the video, recorded by an overhead security camera installed to protect the owner’s food and favourite pencils, a hand clearly belonging to a woman can be seen taking a whole chip. The woman in question was earlier heard to say, emphatically, that she didn’t want any chips when openly offered some before portions were measured out.

’​This is bloody typical,’ said a spokesperson for the male refuge centre Halfords. ‘Portions and proportion are vitally important in assembling breakfast. If this man had known a chip was wanted by a woman, he’d have cooked an extra one. As it is, the whole plate is ruined.’

‘​I’m afraid we’re seeing more and more of this sort of thing,’ said the chairman of the pressure group Men Aren’t Angry We Just Wish You’d Stop This Diet Bollocks And Admit You Want A Takeaway. ‘Only the other day we had a distraught man here who'd ordered a Chinese just for himself, because his wife didn’t want any. He’d barely started eating it when a fork appeared over his shoulder being wobbled around in a supposedly comedic fashion, as if that made it OK. She took several mouthfuls of chow mein. The poor bloke’s absolutely in bits. And starving.’

A​ representative of the British Association of Tragic Cafes said, ‘This is exactly why our establishments are full of wild-eyed men hunched over huge plates of food. It’s the only way they can eat an entire meal in safety. Imagine if we allowed women in. We wouldn’t have a clue how much of anything to cook.’


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Comments (57)

  • There is an unwritten law that the odd chip doesn’t count on any form of diet & must be taken after all offers.

    It is like an old Celtic right or something in sure Boudicca brought the law in. 

      1 year ago
  • Pyrex plates FTW. Every decent house has a few.

      1 year ago
  • It gets worse. Those are chicken sausages.

      1 year ago
    • I take back my ‘I’d nick a sausage’ comment, chicken sausages are nasty, veggie sausages are pretty good now & much nicer than chicken ones. Are pork bangers are off the menu in the May house completely ?

        1 year ago
  • james, can you provide a list of those men support groups, please? my husband is in terrible need.

      1 year ago
  • Anyone who eats breakfast from a Pyrex plate frankly deserves whatever’s coming to him. I hate to think what would happen if you decided to have breakfast in the nude.... where will this end, glass dinning tables!?😱

      1 year ago