That tea lady has now ruined beans on toast!
I am both scared and apoplectic with rage!
I should open this column by saying that I am very angry. Exceptionally so. I'm filled with rage. Never in my life have I seen such absolute disrespect for any culinary methods to this extent. I have previously gone off on one about how badly the American's seem to think it acceptable to prepare tea. The method being an abysmal means of throwing all the right ingredients together in a horrendous order to generate a hot cup of milky water that is basically fornication in a canoe (ask your parents kids).
However, unsated with sullying the great art of tea making one stoically defiant Yank has stood tall from the crowd again, now to tackle the English breakfast. And... just... aarrgh!
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED IS THAT ABOMINATION?
Who thinks that "British eggs" contain whipped cream, OR SUGAR! WHO'S PUTTING SUGAR IN BRITISH EGGS! WHAT EVEN ARE BRITISH EGGS? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SCRAMBLED EGGS, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE THE EGGS THAT ARES SCRAMBLED HERE! *and breathe*. And who keeps eggs in the fridge? However, in the style of Billy Mays, "But wait, there's more!"
Stop the world, I want to get off.
YOU HAVE TO TOAST THE BREAD FIRST OTHERWISE IT IS NOT BEANS ON TOAST IS IT? ITS JUST BEANS ON HOT SOGGY BREAD! YOU NEED TOAST FOR IT TO BE BEANS ON *voice now cracking like Gordon Ramsay mid tirade* TOAST! AND THERE IS A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR THAT CHEESE. THAT IS NOT CHEESE. THAT IS AN ASSEMBLAGE OF CHEMICALS MASQUERADING AS CHEESE! AND YOU DON'T COOK BEANS ON TOAST AS ONE ITEM. BEANS ON THE HOB, WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE GENTLY BUBBLING, TOAST THE BREAD OTHERWISE YOU JUST GET BEANY BREAD NOT BEANS ON TOAST, PUT THE TOAST ON THE PLATE ADD BEANS, TOP WITH CHEESE IF YOU WANT AND IF IT SO TAKES YOUR FANCY LIBERALLY APPLY TOMATO SAUCE. IF YOU USE A MICROWAVE IT SHOULD ONLY BE TO HEAT THE BEANS! NOT TO COOK THE ENTIER ASSEMBLAGE IN ONE HIT!
*Ed: Jesse, I think the lady in the video is being sarcastic. She's taking the mickey.*
Oh. Right. Well, this is embarrassing...
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Comments (43)
That header image is a thing of beauty...
Thank you, I felt like an absolute berk standing in my living room with my camera on a tripod, clutching some custard.
*berk (aka does it every night so is pretty used to clutching custard now 😂)
As an American, let me offer my sincerest apologies! Her recipes are abominations. Where the hell did she get these ideas???
Fellow American here, I couldn't agree more! It's like letting a 5 year old loose in the kitchen!!!
Nah even 5 year olds can cook better than that
I'll be honest, after just investigating this woman, I now hate TikTok forever.
And to think I almost thought THIS one was the last nail in the coffin -->
vm.tiktok.com/J8NmbPJ/
TikTok is a beautiful place and honestly, I love and hate it at the same time.
It can astro-project you into another dimension or just send you reeling
Breathe, Jesse.
Some time ago, complained about a guy who apparently just threw some random stuff on a heap, poured lots of sauce on it and called it carbonara. Back then I defended him because I thought that he can obviously eat whatever he wants, he should just name it differently. But this lady really takes it to another level. I believe she should be tried for culinary offences and (if I were the judge) sentenced to eating her self-prepared stuff and drinking her "tea" for at least a couple of years 😁
I know deep down she’s taking the Mickey, and riling us (the British) up. But it’s annoying and sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, apparently, and thus punishable by consumption of crud conjured by self.
Maybe an Italian grandmother carrying a pointy stick should have a word with her 🤣