The Most American National Holiday that isn't
I'm reasonable; I hate and abhor stupid. But honestly the day after Super Bowl Sunday should be a paid recuperative holiday
Exhibit i: Nachos
I can think of nobody else more qualified to state the case to make the Monday after the Super Bowl a national holiday in America.
For starters: we've discussed the 'food' holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yes, I understand I've completely flown 40 thousand feet above the true meaning of each, but let's be real: it's all about the food. There are also existing 'national holidays' commemorating fallen Veterans (Memorial Day) in late May, our independence from our Royal British Overlords (July 4th) as well as Labor Day the first Monday of September. And certainly food is involved with each.
There are some nuances to consider. The three existing national holidays are all in the summertime. Memorial Day and Labor Day are both three day weekends, and 57% of the time, so is Independence Day. Thus there are built-in buffers that allow a person to gorge and get drunk and still allow a day to recoup before returning to work. There are also more opportunities for physical activity so the excess consumption has more opportunity to be healthily processed.
Exhibit ii: Wings
There are no such safeguards on Super Bowl Sunday. First of all, it is on a Sunday. It's not as if one can decide to have a Super Bowl party the night before? Then, what, while the actual game is being played on Sunday evening, because of course they don't even start the actual game itself until 6:30 Eastern time for maximum teevee ratings...do you, like, nap during the actual game so you can resemble some portion of your normal healthy self 12 hours later as you report for Monday morning?
Exhibit iii: Chili
That ain't gonna happen! Even though personally I could give a red rat's ass about the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco Forty-Niners, it is my God Given 'Murrican Birthright to start chugging drinks and dipping tortilla chips into bowls full of everything from straight ranch dressing to spinach-artichoke-pecorino-romano flambee at the crack of noon o'clock! I want to get my buzz on, fill up, enjoy some refractory time and then start gnawing the bones of several different dead animals in time for the BEST commercials right before kickoff!
Exhibit iv: Beer and Booze
Because there are seven minute renditions of the National Anthem by twee little whisper-singers and Air Force fly-bys and Public Service Announcements given by all 36 branches of the American War Complex, and 75 minute halftimes so that Shakira and JLo can have a Brazilian Bum-Bumm-off in front of all of our smol childrens and our God fearing Christian viewers, and 14 extra timeouts and 3 extra VAR challenges? Well, this game is going to end sometime after the drive-thrus close so we can't stop on the way home and grab 32-ounce Coca-Colas to sober ourselves off.
And, really, wouldn't it be the considerate thing if you could wake up the next day and clean up after yourself?
So, if you're like me, at all, you will find yourself on the ass-end of night, head spinning, stomach churning, Adam's apple bobbing, half-squatting in the bathroom, racking your brain on whether you should set up to poop in case you puke, or vice versa. Do you take the pain-killer that might not even scratch the surface of your headache but at least won't make you groggy in 8 hours?
So, President Trump: for once in your forsaken life, do the right thing, and declare the Monday After the Super Bowl a National holiday? Use all that power in the name of Good, for once!